Originally Published 2005-02-07 04:41:24
Where to start? With what's on my mind, or chronologically?
Fuck sequence. Let's do it in order of impact.
I'm moved in! Well, almost. Most of my shit is here and I'm actually sleeping here for the first time tonight. I forgot my shampoo, I'm afraid, so my hair is dirty. :-) There's still lots of put-away to do here and clean-up to do at the old place. I should be able to have the Dublin house on the market and in showing condition by Tuesday or Wednesday, however. Yay on an extra $2K a month!
Uh huh. I'm beating around the bush. Stuff to cover... Laura's birthday, Cory's birthday, dinner with Kelita, Sarah, et al, and clubbing with Beth.
Laura's b-day. The juicy stuff first... we got really wasted and I sent Corban home from her house at 4:30am Sunday morning. Quote of note the next day, "I have a lot of people to call and apologize to. 'Um, hey, were you there? Sorry! I was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend all night.'"
It's weird having sex with someone you haven't touched in six months. No, scratch that, I think it's been closer to eight. Her body was different (mmm, defined abs now), she learned a new move, and it was in a new venue. Plus there's all the crap that we've been through, both together and seperately... the whole moving-brook-Buddhist thing.
It was conflicted and drunk, then sloppy, then nostalgic, and finally very much like old times.
I liked seeing her that drunk. She was honest and blunt. She paid me compliments that weren't coy, just raw. She told me she was stupid and foolish for ever letting me go. She felt guilty when I paid attention to her... Telling me that I needed to go hit on other girls and stop wasting time with her. She told me to ravage her in one breath and to stop in the next.
She just listened when I told her what to do though... like, shut up and kiss me.
It was wonderful. I was so happy spending this morning and early afternoon with her. On the car ride downtown to the train station, she talked about timing and suggested that that was all our problem has ever been. This morning at Peet's, she talked about that guy Michael and how she's thought long and hard about my "What's he got that I haven't got" question -- specifically, if he were more available, would she no longer be interested? (I responded by telling her I didn't want to date her anyway. It was funny. She knew I was lying.)
And right before I left her today, as we were exiting Chinatown, she asked, "Do you think we'll get married someday?"
"Sometimes," I said.
"Would you be happy?"
I nodded carefully. Not an "I guess so" type of careful. A sincere type of careful. "I think you'd be pretty happy, too, Laura."
"The only discussion would be about where we'd live. Because moving to the city would be really painful for me. Hopefully we could compromise on that a little."
"Well, I'm not going to live in the city forever. In fact, I don't want to live in the city either. Like, there's no way I want to be here when I'm 30."
I'm still digesting all of that.
Er... no. I'm still... biding my time before I trust any of that. Pretty big difference, huh?
So... clubbing with Beth on Friday night was satisfactory. I didn't have a bad time, but I can't say I had a good time, either.
I didn't have that talk with her. It never came up (like it did with, say, Alia), and I didn't push it. Then I had a couple of drinks at the club, and it was the last thing on my mind. Mostly I just wanted to dance with this random hottie with a really short skirt and a tie-up blouse that kept coming undone. She was my standard type -- a blonde cheerleader. She wasn't a classically trained dancer, but appeared to have some gymnastics-related background. Nothing impressive, really, but, alas, I was with a date.
So my lack of ability to go dance with her made me want to all the more.
I told Beth's friend Hilary, "It's pretty sad when half the club gives you more attention than your date does, don't you think?"
It was a bonding moment.
Afterwards, I bought them donuts and hot chocolate and Beth drove me home.
On the way home, right before we exited in Dublin, she said, "So you don't have a bed to sleep on tonight? Well, you're welcome to sleep on mine if you like."
I was really tired and barely interested. So I answered it directly. "If that's an invitations for intimacy, than I'll consider it. But if you're only concern is really how well I sleep tonight, then just take me home. I'll be fine."
And I was.
She is cozying up to me... I took her to see Damon Wayans with Cory and the crew tonight. It fucking rocked, btw. Damon is the BOMB. He's so much better in person than in any skit. I was thoroughly impressed.
So anyway, yeah... she kept leaning in and seemed to like my touch. Imagine that.
Sigh. I can't have sex with her. She likes me too much, and I'm still in love with Laura.
I told Corban that last night. At the club, I was lamenting how there were all these hot chicks around and I couldn't act on it in front of Laura, "because I still love the bitch."
I was really weird before we got there. I suppose I was anxious. Corban noticed it and called me on it. He said I was bitter. "At her?"
"Which her?" he replied.
And for a moment, I didn't know. Then I disagreed with him.
Corban is the bomb, btw. He went to a club that he didn't like to meet up with a bunch of people he didn't know and then took a taxi across town with Laura and I and hung out in her living room for an hour. THEN, my happy ass comes in my underwear and asks him to drive my car home. As in, take a cab across SF to my car, drive that shit to Oakland where he parked his car, then drive his car home.
And sure enough, when I got off the train today at 3pm, my car was there with a conveniently placed hide-a-key in safe, well-lit spot with no Sunday morning street cleaning or time limits.
There were subtle changes about that only I would notice that told me where my keys and wallet (I always leave it in the car when I dance) were located... and a voice mail left at 5:30am telling me the exact intersection to find it.
"Don't trip. It was all gravy. You'd have done the same for me without question."
I'm afraid and expect that she'll freak out again, an I'll be left feeling under-appreciated. It was only the booze talking away her qualms, then her lust carrying us forward, and finally the nostalgia urging today's thoughfulness.
I really like this new faith I've been having lately... but there's having faith and then just being stupid.
I don't want to be stupid.
She said something today... I think it was about how she was dressed or something. Instead of saying, "You're beautiful no matter what you wear." I mumbled something about how I didn't want to freak her out.
Then she said it for me and grinned. Yes, Laura, you know me.
I remember saying that I'm sure she liked hearing things like that, but that in her world, it would be easier to deal with me if it were just physical. She disagreed.
I told her that she really likes the mutual trust we have, but that any more than that scares her.
She told me that her concern for my feelings is a far higher priority than her own.
"Do you think it's possible that you're hiding behind that? That worrying about my feelings lets you off the hook for examining your own?"
Gawdddd! I am such a pimp. Why doesn't every girl love me immediately again?
Can someone answer that question for me, please?
I'm going to send her flowers tomorrow.
for valentine's day?
no, for "Someday."
Cheesy and over the top, I know. But it's perfect. It will make her laugh, shed a tear, and feel special all in a single sentence.
Oh yeah... almost forgot. Had dinner with Kelita and Sarah on Saturday before hitting the club.
"So Lia isn't gonna fly, is she?" I asked Sarah.
"Mmmm. She's never said anything bad about you at all. But, as a woman, no I don't think so. She's not feelin' it.
"I mean, she thinks your great. Your cute, fun to hang out with, great guy, well-intentioned -- she had nothing but good things to say about you. But I get the feeling that she's really enjoying being 22 and single.
"And that's not really what you're about at this point. You're ready to start settling down a bit.
"And I'm sure she can sense that."
So... the verbalized rendition of the writing on the wall I read a few days ago.
Too bad for her. Lucky for Laura. I'd have found it possible to walk away from her (as opposed to running towards her like a locomotive, of course) if Lia had thrown me a bone or two over the last couple of weeks.
Fuuuuck I'm tired. I've partied so many days in a row now... it's just silly.
I will still go to bed happy. Even if it was a rare one-off taste of nostalgia -- I will accept it with arms wide open and hold on tightly.
Originally Published 2005-02-07 04:41:24