Catching up

Wednesday, January 13, 2010 , Posted by Johnny Fuery at 12:59 AM

Originally Published 2005-02-22 12:31:15

So I spent all day yesterday (Monday) with Lola. Well, actually, I did a materials run in the morning (ANOTHER $1200 at home depot... yikes!), then went over there around lunchtime.



It was nice. We just sorta laid around... took an hour-long nap, watched a little Ali-G, had some lunch at a pub on Filmore, went and saw "Hitch" in the evening, had a soft kiss goodnight.



It was a boyfriend kiss. One of those not-too-passionate, not-really-awkward, totally safe kisses. No fear of rejection or doing it wrong or anything...



And I feel kinda weird about it. I'm already not trying to impress her. I mentioned it yesterday to her. I wasn't sure what I was feeling, really, just that something felt different -- I wasn't "trying". Not that I wasn't putting forth effort -- that's a different issue -- but, rather, that I didn't feel like I had anything to prove.



I noted what she said back in December to me... or, rather, what I said when faced with the "what's he got?" question. That it doesn't matter how strong, smart, or good I am, strive to be, have become, or will become.



None of it matters... you either love or you don't.



I think that has something to do with it. And I think that what I'm feeling is neither "taking her for granted" nor "feeling comfortable and at peace".



I'm obviously really conflicted about it. I think that need to "try" or "strive" is something that's very deep within me. I'm not sure (as anyone who reads this often knows) how much I like that aspect of myself -- it's really a double-edged sword -- but it's certainly there.



I can't help but wonder if Laura was right.



Maybe we really aren't compatible. Close, but not perfect.



But how would that mix? What would "perfect" be? Make me feel at peace, yet challange me always? Isn't that an oxymoron? Maybe... inspire my ambition, yet support me and [make me feel like she'll] always be there?



humph.



Maybe that's part of it. Because I know Laura will leave someday. This isn't permanent, this isn't... anything, really. It's just good enough for now.



For her, anyway.



For me? Well... I haven't really decided yet. I am still looking, though, so I guess that says something.



Something. Either that I'm chameleon-ing to match Lola with regard to our relationship or that I am (or have become) a typical male slimeball.



Maybe a little of both?



I don't want to be a slimeball.



--



I suppose it doesn't help that the girl whom I told "you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen" is still calling me.



She's number 13, to boot. (remember my math rants and the 12 bonk rule)



Hey! I've improved my odds! If you can hold onto two at once, you improve your odds by orders of magnitude!



Never mind the morality of it all.



--



In other news, I talked to Lauren for a half hour on Sunday. She was nice. Guess she's had a pretty dramatic 2005 so far.



I felt... I missed her a little bit. Maybe it's emo stuff leftover from the abortion. Or, maybe it's because she was really open with me and told me a lot more than she should have -- like an old friend that you haven't seen, but then 2 minutes after hugging them hello it's like they've always been there. Or maybe I actually loved her just a little in my own way.



Or maybe it just pushed my Knight in Shining Armor button. Heh heh.



Anyway. I was really nice to her... and she was really nice to me in return.



She lives in Sac now. 'N' and something in old town. I sense some irony in that.

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